Out of toilet paper this season?  Here are 5 objects aound the house that you can safely wipe with.

1. Aloe Vera – This common houseplant has been used as a topical skin ointment throughout human history. Cut a branch, squeeze out the ointment, or ride the plant like you are mounting a broomstick on a quidditch pitch.  The sharp grooves on the branches will provide sustainable friction to rub away any fecal residue or tacked-on dingleberries.
2. Bathroom Rugs – Blinds, window covers, and curtains are also a safe, low-profile way to get away with an unnoticed wipe or two. While bathrooms rugs may be more easily accessible, curtains tend to be more plush, have greater surface area, and provide the ability to conceal skid marks in low-trafficked locations.
3. West-Highland Terriers – Growing in popularity, inquisitive, and hypoallergenic, this portable butt-rug will come running at any whistle or bag-rustle. When using a dog, make sure the mouth is facing away otherwise you might run into a very surprising tickle situation.  The West Highland Terrier can be easily groomed, is a great family dog, and is known to wear dookie stains proudly around the house.
4. US Government Bonds – One of the most unwieldy fiduciary tools, government bonds appreciate more slowly than Pokemon cards and definitely aren’t as cool to look at. Have a few of them locked up in your old safety deposit box, gifted by grandma?  Make sure to give them consideration when you are duck walking around your bathroom looking for relief.  The only people who know about them are dead, and dead people don’t care what you wipe with.
5. Wooden kitchen spoons – Made infamous by the likes of Gordon Ramsey, wooden spoons are a common cooking utensil that is simple, elegant, and is probably tucked away in an existing drawer. While traditionally used to stir soup, break up ground beef, or commit child abuse, wooden utensils are also fantastic for fleshing away unwanted dump.  Most wood is non-GMO, organic, fat-free, low-carb, free range, and hormone free, making it perfect for fit for your anus.